There is a difference between a child who is confident and a child who has been told they are great. Real confidence is grounded in evidence — the child has tried something, struggled, and succeeded. Empty praise without competence often produces the opposite of confidence: anxiety about being found out.
Here is how to raise a child who is genuinely confident, drawn from Carol Dweck's growth mindset research and decades of self-determination theory.
Five Things That Build Real Confidence
- •Give them real responsibilities they can handle (and let them fail sometimes)
- •Praise the process — effort, strategy, persistence — not the outcome
- •Let them speak for themselves at restaurants, doctor visits, and playdates
- •Allow age-appropriate independence: pouring drinks, choosing outfits, walking to the mailbox
- •Avoid swooping in to fix every problem — let them experience competence
Five Things That Erode Real Confidence
- •Constant generic praise ("Good job!") with no specifics
- •Solving problems for them instead of with them
- •Comparison to siblings or peers
- •Over-scheduling and never letting them be bored
- •Pretending they're great at something they aren't